What’s Next?: Detaching from the Quest for Certainty

Not many things cause me as much distress as not knowing what comes next. Which is puzzling as my entire life reveals a pattern of these situations where I’m caught in limbo, unsure of what lays ahead. The most wonderful things happen then.

After the 2010 Earthquake in Haiti pushed me to finish high school here, I had no clue what would happen to me. But then, I walked in Mrs. Williams’ class, and she helped me realize I wanted to be a writer.

It was like finding a lover again who had always been there. As anyone who knew me in childhood would attest, books were my uncompromising best friends. I just hadn’t made the connection that I was learning to weave words to create worlds, too.

So when, as a college freshman, I learned about the Writing department and signed up for the minor the following year, I was struck by the pure joy I exhaled. I walked away from a medical career with no regrets and signed up for the major the first year it became available.

Of course, I paired it with Poli Sci/Pre-Law because that’s it, right? Either you’re a lawyer or a doctor, we need dem coins back. I had to be certain I could do something else, even though I knew for a fact, writing was to be my life.

“Follow your intuition,” She would say. That is the child in me, a mountain, with her head in the clouds but her feet firmly planted.

How long before we kill them? The children in us? How many speeches from others who swear they know better because they’ve been here longer, or constitute a powerful group, or are just the voices of ghosts who never learned better, passed down through lifeless echo chambers, how many of those speeches does it take before we beat those kids to a pulp with our bare hands, a rudimentary instrument, a brick, a two-by-four, a bat, to make sure they’re down for good, no regeneration? All for the grave sin of letting us into the world of dreams, of allowing us to think we could be ourselves, do what we like and are good at, and be happy? What does it take to kill them?

Money?

After graduation, I knew what I wanted to have: a car, a single apartment, a job. But I had no idea what I wanted to do. My job had enough writing elements and was fulfilling enough to take most of my time, I thoroughly enjoyed living alone, and the constant frustration of having to get from point A to point B dramatically reduced. But was I sure that this what I wanted to do? Forever?

Here’s another trap, thinking planning for forever is a thing.

But here I was. My old classmates were off doing great things, moving on with their lives, med school, grad school, law school, marriage, kids, and I was just…stuck.

My audible plan was law school. What I thought was my well thought out answer to why is that it had enough elements that I enjoyed and I thought I would be good at it. Of course, money. But I didn’t particularly like Lawyers, plus the justice system here is a joke and trying to improve it would probably be a passionate adventure but resulting in my death at least 20 years earlier, one way or another. I would never admit “I didn’t have it in me” because for some reason, forcing oneself to do something outside of one’s natural talents, passions, or inclinations, for the major part of one’s life, is something to be applauded.

Is it?

Why are we so willing to trade off huge chunks of our lives doing whatever for money, approval, status, or a good answer to the old “what do you do”? Especially when doing those things gives us no real sense of purpose or joy beyond the trade?

This is not to be tone-deaf, because I assure you, I’m definitely all about doing what you need to do to get to where you need to go. But if you’re at the point in your life where you’re contemplating what to do next, why not, instead of giving the easy answer, which is usually good ROI, why not try to also be happy doing what you like?

This doesn’t mean living in a fairy tale where people will just give you things, but instead seeing how you can get all of those benefits like money, approval, status, whatever you want while also doing the thing that gives you meaning.

This is my goal for this next chapter of my life. I want to write for a living. But I also like cool things, like money, traveling, a car, food, a roof. And in this part of my personal development story, my time is to be spent on genuine experiences, relationships, interactions, passions. How do I reconcile these things that voices keep telling me can’t harmonize?

I used to need to be certain about everything. It has ruined a great deal of relationships for me. Demanding of people something that could only be given from others as a lie. But losing something is discovering something else, if only how okay you are with said loss. And even if you get it back, even if you want it back, now that you know you’re okay regardless, it becomes a more purposeful and powerful experience.

Ever since this time around last year, I had been working my damndest on my grad school applications. I’m super excited about starting at North Carolina State in the Fall in the M.S. in Technical Communication program.

Writing in all its forms inspire me, and I’m ready to realize a life path that allows me to write and teach writing for different domains and varying amounts of money. And it starts with giving my best to a renowned program in the field, in a location that is cool for other things besides being where J. Cole lives, so I hear. I don’t really know what those other things are yet, but being this close to bae is good enough for now.

There are so many details that haven’t been finalized with my move. I have many irons in the fire. However, I’m finding that what used to fill me with dread and anxiety is finding me more relaxed, confident, optimistic.

Because what you realize when you start learning to detach, especially from a specific way of things, is that you don’t have to be certain of everything. You really just need to be certain of a few things.

That you’re always abundantly supported by the universe. That if you are contemplating your destination, you’re already from a point of view that can get you there. Meaning if you can see birds, you’re close enough to land.

You just have to be certain that you’ll figure it out. You definitely have until this point. There’s no way that you won’t continue the trend. Detaching is really grounding, in your own power, in love, in magnetism, and in dreams.